Where’s Walter? - Finding Numerological Evidence of Merton in Everyday Life
A contribution for The Big Merton 1264 Challenge from Tony Hansen (1969)
(warning – some mathematics required, see footnotes)
My career in environmental science has provided me with the opportunity to travel to faraway places, presenting unique backdrops for promoting “Where’s Walter?” I have been fortunate enough to recite “Oculi Omnium …” at various Ends of the Earth. This requires little more than an early exposure to Latin; a bootleg (disapproved) replica of the Merton Flag; and a deficit of common sense or caution.
The recent 1264 Challenge provided additional opportunities to seek evidence of Merton in everyday activities: specifically, a several-day visit for maintenance and improvements at my cabin in the remote woods of the Santa Cruz Mountains south of San Francisco. Each activity was naturally introduced to the world with (a modified version of) the Preprandial Grace:
“Oculi omnium in Te respiciunt, Domine …”
… “Tu das lignum illis tempore opportuno.”
I had ordered the delivery of one cord1 of firewood chunks, cut to a 12-inch length for the small Victorian parlor stove in the cabin. This much wood weighs about five-eighths of a US ton2. With about ten pieces to the cubic foot3, I was able to count them out while stacking in the woodshed.
I developed about 1.264 units of backache during this activity. Had I not been wearing heavy leather gloves, I would have got 1,264 splinters in my fingers.
… “Tu das sabulum illis tempore opportuno.”
The next task was to install an additional water storage tank. A smooth base pad had to be made about 15 feet up from the roadway, in a verdant (and virulent) patch of the local vegetation, Toxicodendron diversilobum4.
Fifty 50-lb sacks of gravel had to be carried up the incline using the Armstrong Method. About one-quarter of the way through pouring out the 26th sack5, I compared my labors to those of the early stonemasons of Oxford. They won, hands down. I scored 12.64 units of aerobic weightlifting exercise.
… “Tu das cadum illis tempore opportuno.”
The new 2,500-gallon tank arrived on a truck with two men. It weighed just less than 400 pounds. Between the three of us, we pushed it up into place using the same method. Each person was, of course, shoving … 6 pounds.
I got 1.264 scrapes and bruises, and 12.64 patches of allergic skin rash from this activity.
… “Tu das aquam illis tempore opportuno.”
The tank was filled with water from a tanker truck. When it was just over half-full7, I knew that we would have enough water for the rest of the Dry Season.
I connected the tank to the cabin’s water system; set the heater to 52°C8 and was able to have a hot shower. In a little under quarter-of-an-hour (how long??9) I was clean again: a temporary aberration. I probably used 48 liters of water. (How many gallons ???)
… “Tu das lapides illis tempore opportuno.”
Somewhat more than a thousand10 bricks had been delivered to make a pathway and patio. Each has a surface measure of 4 inches by 8 inches, and weighs 6 pounds. At the end of the path, I paved an area that measured 10 feet x 9 feet 4 inches. Naturally, I used … 11 weight of bricks.
It was a fine hot day, so I foolishly worked without a shirt. I got 126.4 mosquito bites, and another 1.264 units of backache. In addition, I hit my fingers 12.64 times with the hammer.
… “Tu das petroleum illis tempore opportuno.”
My Toyota truck is definitely more than 12.64 years old; and its odometer has registered 126,400 miles more than three times over. It gets about 20 miles per gallon, and its tank holds 18.5 gallons. I had started out with eighty percent of a tank. It’s 90 miles each way to my cabin and back. You’ll never guess12 how many gallons I pumped in, when I got back to the station near my house at the end of the trip.
… “Benedicas nobis, Deus, scholares Mertonenses expatriates, fortitudinem praestare tua beneficentia dignitate caritatis.13Per Jesum Christum Dominum nostrum, Amen. ”
With best regards,
Tony Hansen (1969)
Mathematical footnotes
1 “One cord”. An antiquated unit of measure redolent of socially-regressive conservatism, clung to by an antiquated and socially-regressive country run by hypocritical conservative bombasts. Yes, it’s a lot of wood. [back]
2 The US Ton is 2,000 pounds. What a coincidence for the weight of the wood … ? [back]
3 Each split piece was about three to four inches on a side, and one foot long. [back]
4 Look it up. Never; ever; fall face-forwards into a big patch of this while wearing only swim trunks. And certainly don’t pull your swim trunks off in reflexive terror (thereby distributing the irritant more liberally). [back]
5 Gosh, how many pounds of gravel had I lifted by then? [back]
6 380 pounds weight divided by three people would be how much each? But add extra for doing this in a lush thicket of poison oak. [back]
7 It is a 2,500-gallon tank. How many gallons when slightly over half full? [back]
8 Convert to Fahrenheit, namely the temperature degrees which we use here. [back]
9 Five minutes of soaping, five minutes of rinsing, 2.64 minutes with a towel … [back]
10 No accident, I figured that I might as well order an exact number. [back]
11 How many square feet of patio area? Divide by the surface area of each brick, equals how many bricks? Multiply by the weight of each brick, equals what weight of bricks? [back]
12 How much gas was in the tank when I set out? How much did I use to drive there and back? How much was left when I got back home? How much did I have to pump in, to fill it back to the top? [back]
13 No, not the original version, this is my adaptation for the present times. I recited this at a Merton event in California attended by non-Latin-speaking alumni. Had my heresy been detected, I could have been burned at the stake. [back]